I Am Pretty Sure Everyone Trading With the Patriots is Smoking Crack

by Jeb Kush

 Every team that has traded with the Patriots this offseason needs to get their shit together. Trading with the Patriots is equivalent to wearing sweatpants and crocks in public. It’s more psychopathic than wearing socks in your sleep. Over the past week, the Patriots have managed to trade for Dwayne Allen, Kony Ealy, and Brandin Cooks. All they had to do was move back a couple of spots in the draft.

Everyone in the Colts’ front office must have been high as a kite when they traded Dwayne Allen and a 6th round pick to the Pats for only a fourth round pick. The Patriots get another serviceable tight end who can block well, get open, and catch touchdowns while the Colts move up from the 6th round to the 4th round, while the Patriots move back from 4th round to the 6th. Seems about as fair as overdraft fees. Oh you’re low on money? Ok we’ll take some more then.

About 95% sure everyone in the Panthars front office couldn’t tell which way was up when they traded their 3rd round pick and Kony Ealy for just the Patrtiots’ second round pick. The Patriots got a startable 3 down defensive end and another good pass rusher to pair with Trey Flowers. Again, the only thing the Patriots sacrificed in this trade was moving back from the 2nd round to the 3rd round. Don’t know who keeps approving these deals in these organizations but they gotta get their shit together.

If the Panthers were high then the Saints were hot-boxing the entire damn facility. The gave the Patriots Brandin Cooks. The trade itself does not look that absurd on paper but it is about as ludicrous Rosie O’Donnell trying to throw a javelin. The Saints give the Patriots Brandin Cooks and a 4

th round pick for a 1st and 3rd round pick from the Patriots. Trading a first round pick away seems like a solid loss for the Patriots upon first look. However, its actually a steal when you consider the Saints gave them Brandin fucking Cooks. With a late first round pick you are basically praying that player turns into a top 10 player in the league at his position, and that is exactly what Brandin Cooks is. He is a top 10 receiver in the national football league. He’s got crazy speed, great route running skills, and makes contested catches on a regular basis. Brandin Cooks is a flat out playmaker with a highlight reel that goes for days. The Saints essentially gave Tom Brady the best receiver he has seen since Randy Moss caught 23 touchdowns in one year for him. The rest of the NFL can sign off for next year now if they want. Just do what the Browns do everywhere and get a higher draft pick, because this Patriots team is going to have more firepower than they had last year. Remember last year? When they won the Super Bowl?



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