The Worst Thing That Happened to Your Team: Week 5
By Chip Bayless
Russell Wilson got absolutely dicked. Don’t believe me? Listen for yourself
They "DICK" Wilson? 🤷♂️ pic.twitter.com/KlCSEwRKdz
— Dirty Sports (@TheDirtySports) October 8, 2017
Los Angeles Rams
Cooper Kupp dropped a potential game winning touchdown pass on the final drive. Granted, Kupp was open by around 5 yards and it wasn’t a great throw by Goff. The throw forced Kupp to attempt a diving catch; however, the pass hit both of his hands and it was a play that he needs to make in that situation with the game on the line.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Nick Folk missed three fucking kicks. But that doesn’t even tell the whole story. Horrendous is an understatement. One of the kicks he attempted landed about 20 yards away from the closest upright. The other one was from 5 yards out on the left hash, and he missed to the left.
New England Patriots
Unfortunately, the Pats really should have lost this game by 3 points. As evidenced by how, again, the Bucs kicker missed 3 field goals. This team will be fine in the long run and will still make the playoffs, but this defense has to get better and eliminate the chunk plays they surrender seemingly every game.
Just about the only bright spot in this offense (Charles Clay) is probably out for the year, per Bleacher Report. Without him, the rest of these receivers struggle to gain separation and this offense looks like it might suck. According to Pro Football Talk, Clay underwent knee surgery on Monday morning for his torn meniscus and sprained PCL.
Both Bengals starting corners were not able to suit up for this game. The reason this didn’t have more of an impact on the outcome of the game is that the Bills receivers blow. On the plus side, the Bengals still won and the offense looks miles ahead of where it was the first two games of the season. If this offense keeps improving and the defense gets healthy, the sky is the limit for the Bengals.
New York Jets
The entire offense looks terrible and they barely beat the Browns. Additionally, on the play where Myles Garrett got his first career sack the Jets had four blockers standing around doing jack shit. Take a look:
Although, you have to give the Jets credit. They have far exceeded the expectations for them so far this season.
The Browns just lost to the friggin’ Jets, and the quarterback they were hoping was the savior of the franchise was benched for being terrible. Also, they have not won a game yet. Things can only get better though… right?
The Carolina Panthers
The Panthers actually had an impressive win this week. But people are still talking about what Cam Newton said about a female reporter, and as a result Dak Prescott took his Dannon sponsorship faster than a Priest volunteering to be a Boy Scout over the weekend.
Why even bother to do that? Why come all the way back from 27-10 just to lose 27-24? Actually a dick move by the entire Lions organization to score 14 fourth quarter points just so they could give fans the glimmer of hope it would take for them to watch long enough to see a heartbreaking 3 point loss.
San Francisco 49ers
A backup quarterback and a 34 year old running back entering his 13th season just beat the 49ers (and by a field goal in OT). Although the hire of Kyle Shanahan and a bevy of young talented players give Niners fans hope, it looks like they still have some rebuilding to do.
Jacoby Brissett threw what should have been a game losing pick 6 in overtime. The only reason the Colts didn’t lose this game is that Frank Gore chased down 49ers linebacker Ray-Ray Armstrong while he was sprinting down the sideline with the game in his hands.
On fourth and two they went for it and got a delay of game penalty. Nice.
The Titans lost by less than a touchdown to fall to third place in the division and they are now riding a comfortable two game losing streak. To top it off, Mariota injured his hamstring and could be out as long as 2-4 weeks per an NFL Network report.
It’s week 6 and Jay Cutler still looks like fucking garbage. The wildcat play last week was horrendous enough, but this man just finished an NFL game at QB where he failed to break 100 yards and failed to complete more than 50% of his passes.
New York Giants
This season was pitiful already. Now, they just lost to a team that had not won a game yet this season. The Giants now sit at 0-5. If the Titans’ 2 game losing streak is “comfortable” then the Giants’ 5 game losing streak is like a sensory deprivation tank. Did I mention Odell broke his ankle and is probably out for the season?
Los Angeles Chargers
That play where Rivers wasn’t ready for the snap, dropped it, then slipped and threw it out of the end zone for a safety. That was definitely it:
Chris Johnson was the Cardinals leading rusher and he had 21 yards on 9 carries. Also, the defense got absolutely toasted by the Eagles and Carson Wentz to the tune of 4 TD passes and a 34-7 point beat down. On a positive note, the Cards just traded for Adrian Peterson so maybe he is able to help turn the running game around in Arizona.
Starting tackle Lane Johnson got concussed. It is “highly unlikely” that Johnson is available for the next game (per NBC Sports) against the Panthers who are coming off an impressive win of their own.
Big Ben threw 5 interceptions and the Jaguars were able to run all over the Steelers defense. The Steelers surrendered over 220 rushing yards as well as 2 rushing touchdowns. Blake Bortles threw for 95 yards and a pick and the Jaguars still won this game by three touchdowns.
The Jags broke the record for least pass attempts during a game this Sunday. They threw 14 passes total. Although, they may not have needed to throw more considering the Steelers threw five interceptions and the Jaguars rushed for over 200 yards.
A Raiders team that didn’t have Derek Carr looked pretty good against the Ravens defense in a 30-17 Ravens win. Without a few bombs to Mike Wallace, the Ravens easily could have lost this game.
You had to watch E.J. Manuel start at quarterback this week if you are a Raider fan. Pretty sure Manuel is still concussed from this Lawrence Timmons hit during Manuel’s Bills days:
It looked like the Cowboys had the game in hand until a painful game-winning touchdown drive engineered by Aaron Rodgers. The drive included an 18 yard Rodgers scramble on a key third down where he broke two tackles to keep the drive alive. Then, the Packers threw a fade to Devante Adams twice in a row, the second of which was the game winning touchdown. Felt like losing a game in Madden by giving up a kick return touchdown.
Green Bay Packers
Troy Aikman tried to pin a Cowboys sack on a Packers offensive lineman who didn’t play:
The silence when Troy Aikman realized that Bakhtiara (who he blamed the sack on) was still injured was absolutely priceless. Like he saw a ghost pic.twitter.com/pg4ktJjrdx
— Big Cat (@BarstoolBigCat) October 8, 2017
Kansas City Chiefs
Terrance Mitchell got absolutely toasted for touchdowns twice and while the Chiefs came away with the win, Mitchell has to play better if they want to beat more elite teams than the 2-3 Texans. On the first touchdown, Texans receiver Will Fuller burnt Mitchell on a deep skinny post. Mitchell failed to turn around and play the ball, stumbled, and basically tried to defend the pass by eventually falling into Fuller and flailing his arms in the direction of Fuller’s hands. The second touchdown came courtesy of DeAndre Hopkins on a play where Hopkins was able to easily box out Mitchell for a long touchdown.
The defense surrendered chunk play after chunk play to the Chiefs. Tyreek Hill throwing up a piece sign literally twenty yards away from the end zone on a punt return TD had to be like a crow bar to the knee caps for Texans fans.
Not too much to complain about for the Vikings this week. They named a play after Justin Bieber though so maybe they need to ease up a little:
Wait, did the Vikings just audible to "Bieber"?!? pic.twitter.com/qrvEe8E7Vn
— Eric Kristensen (@erickristensen) October 10, 2017