Undersold Story of the summer: The NFL Finally Loosens its Butthole and Allows Players to Celebrate Touchdowns

by Jeb Kush

Goodell recently wrote an open letter to fans saying he wants players to have “more room to have fun after they make big plays”. This sentiment is a far cry away from what the NFL did last season where they penalized seemingly any touchdown celebration at all. It got to a point where Cleveland Browns receiver Andrew Hawkins scored a touchdown and immediately placed the ball straight down on the ground and walked like a robot right to the sideline. Hawkins even said after the game that he was trying to “troll” the entire situation.
Needless to remind you all, the NFL received quite a lot of backlash from fans, analysts, and players alike. Well congrats, we did it. We cuckholded the NFL into not being completely absurd with the penalties they enforce. Granted, defensive holding is still a five yard penalty AND an automatic first down which has the same level of logical reasoning as rewarding someone with an ice cream cone for murdering people, but this rule change is a good start. Under the new rules, using the football as a prop after a touchdown, celebrating on the ground, and group celebrations will now all be allowed.
Let’s not get carried away now though because celebrations directed at an opposing player, or celebrations that delay the game will still be penalized. That’s not entirely unreasonable, but Goodell still deserves to be fired and is clearly only doing this move because he has fucked up so much that he needed to do something to get the fans on his side. Think about it. Why the shit was this rule around to begin with? I haven’t heard anyone complain about there being too much celebrating in football since 1762. The United States didn’t even exist yet, and they weren’t even talking about football when they were complaining. In sum, the NFL chilled their dicks out, but Goodell is still an asshole, so fuck him.